The 40 Hottest Men of All Time:

I love beautiful people. Because they're so... beautiful. My default setting is to hate everybody, but those who are good-looking and/or smart and/or just a cool person earn my affection. I also love lists. Yes, I'm a left-brainer. Something in my brain loves order, loves being able to categorise thinks, put them into neat little compartments. I hate ambiguities. So I have decided to produce a list of the most beautiful people on the planet. Scratch that, any list of the most beautiful people on the planet would leave out Paul Newman and Mel Gibson, so I have decided to create a list of the most beautiful people of all time. Because Paul Newman is now dead and Mel is well, crazy. Except this task turned out to be more time-consuming than I initially thought, so I shall split the lists into two. Starting with the men, of course. Then I decided to make this a list not of the most beautiful men of all time, just the hottest. For example, I suppose one could assert that Brad Pitt was aesthetically pleasing, but frankly I'm just not into Brad. I much prefer John Key, the Prime Minister of the beloved country of my birth. He hee. I know where he lives.


Anyway, here is the list of the 40 Hottest Men of All Time:

Note: My only sources of any factual information about these fine men are Wikipedia and imdb.com.



1) Paul Walker- Hitler's Wet Dream- Tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed. Really hot. The only reason I went to see 'Fast and Furious'. That's the third one. It sucked. Don't see it.




2)Richard Kahui- All Black- A good reason to come to NZ, (some of) our rugby players are hot! Love the blue eyes.




















3) Jon Stewart



4) Paul Newman (1925-2008) - Food and Beverage Mogul- He was hot and he served in World War II. Was there a downside? Unfortunately, yes. He was a Democrat and he opposed the Vietnam War. Never mind. He can't tick every box.




5) John F. Kennedy Jr (1960-1999)- JFK's Son (duh)- Now his death really was a tragedy. Because if he had not died in that plane crash, he would be President of the United States of America right now. No use denying it. Fugly Retard would never have been able to compete with him. And although JFK Jr was a Democrat, at least he was a good-looking one, and I would have been able to deal with that.




6) Mel Gibson- Caveman- Mel. Oh Mel. Mel. How could you betray me like this? You were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot in the 80s and early 90s. Then there was 'mid 90s to 2003 Mel'. It was okay. It was solid. You were getting old, of course you couldn't be Mad Max anymore. But, why Mel, why did you have to go crazy? First you were an uber-devout Catholic. Then you made 'The Passion of the Christ'. You encouraged my mother's conversion to Catholocism. That alone is hard enough to forgive, Mel. And then there was the 'DUI incident'. WTF Mel? At least the Arabs like you now. But I couldn't be angry at you for that, Mel. It was just too ****ing stupid. I equated it to Michael Jackson dangling the infant Blanket off the balcony, or George Michael flashing the cop. It just made me laugh so ****ing hard. I tried to blame it on your alcoholism or your purported bipolar disorder. And the years passed. Then Mel, came the hypocrisy. It is okay to be a crazy Catholic if you actually abide by the rules. But you cheat on your wife. Many times. Now you're getting a divorce. You've knocked up a Russian named Oksana (???!!!??!). After all your crazy rants about the 'sanctity of marriage' you cheat on your wife, file for divorce and conceive a child while still married. You stupid misogynistic, hypocritic, crazy, anti-Semitic, alcoholic, bipolar caveman. You manage to shame Australians, Americans, Catholics and people with the last name Gibson all at the same time. You should have died after 'Lethal Weapon 3' so you truly would be 'Forever Young'. Heath Ledger got that part right.




7) Jack Tweed- Celebrity Boyfriend- The only good thing to have ever resulted from Jade Goody’s fame- images of Jack Tweed splashed all over the magazines!






8) Lior Ashkenazi- Walk on Water- Now if Palestinian men looked like this, maybe I would feel sorry for them. But they don’t, so I don’t. Instead I shall just admire this hot and talented Israeli actor.




9) Ryan O'Neal- Love Story- He epitomised all-American beauty in his prime, then he went and spawned a ginger drug addict named Redmond. Shame. He's also fat now. Double shame.




10) Zac Efron- Disney moneymaker- Yes, he looks like plastic. But he is aesthetically pleasing. And if you’re under the age of 16, and under 5’7’’ (not me) you will find him hot.




11) John Key- Prie Munister of Nyu Zilund- NZ’s hottest Prime Minister ever, finally I am proud to be a New Zealander.






















12) Max Minghella



13) James Caan- Two Time Winner of 'Italian of the Year' Award- Thing is, he’s a self-confessed ‘Jew from the Bronx’. Either way, he was really hot as Sonny Corleone in 'The Godfather'!





14) Tom Selleck- Monica's Old Boyfriend- Before he played Dr. Richard Burke on 'Friends' he was Magnum P.I. Now he's a member of the NRA's Board of Directors, and describes himself as 'a registered independent with a lot of libertarian leanings'. Couldn't get much hotter than that!






















15) Michael Douglas



16) Warren Beatty- Bonnie and Clyde- Very hot when younger. Liked to sow his wild oats a lot. Never quite understood what that euphemism meant. Dated Madonna at one stage. Joan Collins too. Now he's married to Annette Bening. Does the man have any self-respect?



17) Richard Burton (1925-1984)- Mr. Elizabeth Taylor- A beautiful speaking voice, beautiful blue eyes, a hugely talented actor. But a cerebral hemorrhage got him at the age of 58. In Switzerland. Poor sod.



18) Jimmy Fallon- Saturday Night Live- His celebrity impersonations are amazing, plus he’s really hot! Just one of the many reasons I love SNL!






19) Elvis Presley (1935-1977)- Jailhouse Rock- So so so so so so handsome. Then he got fat, but it made his music better. Meh. You win some, you lose some. Ultimately, he lost. He died on the toilet and his daughter married Michael Jackson. Can't really get much worse than that.





20) Robert De Niro- Italian mobster- Incredibly hot in his younger days, now he just plays 'Fat Guy 2' in B-grade movies. Okay, maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but the man is a Democrat after all. He deserves every piece of sh*t thrown at him.





















21) Rory Fallon












22) Burt Lancaster (1913-1994)





23) Heath Ledger (1979-2008)- The Dark Knight- Soooooo beautiful. He did his time in light comedies and romances before tackling the darker, more substantial parts- a gay cowboy and The Joker. Unlike Michael Jackson, who died well past his prime, Heath Ledger had not even realised his full potential, and for the public, that is the truly sad part of his death.





24) Al Pacino- Italian mobster- So hot as Michael Corleone in 'The Godfather' and 'The Godfather Part II'. Sure, he is shorter than Tom Cruise, but I can just pretend I'm short as well.

















25) Bruce Springsteen



26) Ido Drent- Daniel Potts on Shortland Street- Yet another reason to move to New Zealand, he is one of the newest stars of our national soap. Can’t really act much, but who cares?



27) Vince Vaughan- Wedding Crashers- He's hot, he's tall and he's a Republican. What's not to like? What's that you say? He dated Jennifer Aniston? Puke.





28) John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)- 35th President of the U.S.A.- He was handsome. He was Irish (diddly-dee, potatoes!). He was Catholic. He was a Democrat. He was shot. Natural justice, anyone?



29) David Duchovny- The X-Files- The cute puppy dog eyes, the perpetual look of being stoned. Apparently he graduated from Princeton. And he sought treatment for sex addiction. Te hee. Shame.




30) Orlando Bloom- World’s Hottest Elf/Pirate- But he likes Australian girls. Pffft. How can he stand the accents? By eating feesh and cheeps? By playing tenpen bowling? By writing with pins?



31) Martin Henderson- The Ring- 'Our' Martin started off on the Kiwi soap 'Shortland Street', then went on to star in 'Torque', 'The Ring' and 'Bride and Prejudice'. But he was at his hottest in 'Shortland Street'.







32) Jonny Wilkinson- English Rugby Player- The females of New Zealand can forgive the English for beating us at rugby, just because Jonny’s so hot. For a rugby player.






















33) Fidel Castro- Cuban Dictator- Yes, he is a socialist. And a dictator. For those reasons he is scum like Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, Helen Clark, Lleyton Hewitt and Ronan Keating. Unlike those 4 satans incarnate, he was very handsome in his younger days.




















34) Billy Zane















35) Ben Mitchell






















36) Shawn Pyfrom





















37) Jason Priestley






















38) Muhammad Ali














39) David Rasche




40) Joe Jonas- Middle Jonas Brother- Also the hottest Jonas Brother. And he's exactly 3 days older than me! And one centimetre taller than me! Loved his self-parodying turn in 'Camp Rock'. Seriously. He was ****ing hilarious.

The King of Pop

Michael Jackson died on Friday. Well, Thursday in L.A. But since I was on the South Island of New Zealand, it was Friday. I went through my Michael Jackson phase at 13 and 14, the apex was in 2003. The first tape (in the South Island, we take a while to catch up with modern technology) that I bought was HIStory Vol. 1. I bought it the day after Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix came out in 2003, Sunday 22nd June. From there on, my obsession started.

I played the tape over and over. I bought every CD, record or tape that I could find, of both him and the Jackson 5. Dangerous. Bad. Off the Wall. The Jackson 5 Christmas Album. Music and Me. Blood on the Dance Floor. Number Ones. Thriller. The intensity of each obsession wanes, but still the underlying love for the music is there. With his death, people all around the world have realised and remembered how much they love his music. How they grew up idolising him. My generation fondly remembered discovering it amongst their parents' record collections.

Although he was an easy target to make fun of, due to his strange appearance and baby-dangling incidents, most people could look beyond the bad, and focused on him a fabulous musician and performer. On Saturday morning, NZST, I put on one of my Greatest Hits CDs on the loudest CD player, turned it up 'real loud' in his memory, and danced like Macauley did in the video clip to 'Black and White.' Who cares if our neighbours complained? There is no such thing as playing Michael Jackson too loud.

One day I was trying to think who the first famous person I had ever heard about was, growing up in the early 1990s. Not Bush. Not Clinton. Not the NZ PM, whoever it was. A four-year-old has no interest in politics. I figured it must have been Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson or Walt Disney. I remember my friend Rachel bragging about how she knew 'the way to Wacko Jacko's house' and proceeded to give me directions. He was her dance teacher, apparently. Even four-year-olds in the backwaters of New Zealand knew who he was, and idolised him.

Michael Jackson was, quite simply, the greatest popstar of all time. To be fair, the competition is slim. Prince? Madonna? Britney Spears? Rihanna? Elvis Presley was the King of Rock'n'Roll, Luciano Pavarotti was the greatest opera singer in recorded memory. Michael Jackson stands with those giant performers. He was as good as pop will ever get.